LIFE ON YOUR TERMS

EP #34

 

“Do I need a life coach?” You’re listening to Episode 34, with Rhiannon Bush

 

Welcome to the Do I need a life coach? Podcast. We’re here to discuss the ins- and outs- of the life coaching industry and give you tools to use, to see for yourself. I’m your host, Rhiannon Bush. Mother, management consultant and a passionate, certified life coach.

 

A lot of people have asked me why I got into coaching. And I can't tell you why I love coaching or what about it I love so much, not succinctly anyway, because there is so much that I do love and relish in and marvel in, but fundamentally my passion for it I can't really explain. It just resonates with me, and always has.

 

But the reason I got into coaching was because I, well before I found coaching, was terrified by the idea of being in one job for the rest of my life. And while that job may be with various employers, or in various places, with various skills and titles, at my core I hate the idea that I am told how much I am worth paying, when I can take leave, how much leave I can take, and having to operate and function within my life within the confines of what an employer tells me.

 

And I know how entitled this sounds, and I know that this is normal. So while it doesn't sound like I'm asking for much, in a way it is a lot, Because what I want isn't normal. But we get one life, and it's quite a short life, therefore wanting to do it on my terms doesn't seem highly unrealistic. The only thing it takes, to be honest, is a bucket load of money.

 

I lost my job a while back and it was off the back of me having children, so I needed some security and a regular income, I loved this work. It started with me consulting, and then I became an employee because that made more sense, and it was very meaningful and fulfilling work, I loved my boss, it was all great. And I could have seen myself working with him for a very long time. And that made me question whether what I wanted was actually what I wanted. Or whether having empowerment, autonomy, purpose, all things Dan Pink talks about, in a job or perhaps things that I had been missing, which is why I had always chased doing my own thing. It made me question whether I was seeking escapism and doing the grass is always greener thing, and whether if I had a boss that trusted me empowered me, etc whether I would genuinely have been happy in a role for my whole life cool stuff and I think the answer is yes.

 

So unfortunately, or fortunately depending on how you look at it, when that role ended, I had to do some real soul-searching. ironically, this all happened right as I was going on my first family holiday since having kids, which I had seen as symbolising Damien and my return to stability and post-baby-haze life, and then this bomb was dropped. This family hold it I happen to be on Hamilton Island, I highly recommend going for anyone who hasn't been. It's fabulous, Damien and I spent some time together walking up Passage Peak. And on our way up passage peak I came to a few realisations, but the main one was that if I get to the end of my life and I don't ever try to really commit to my own business and creating my own business, that will be a big regret in my life. I find it very hard to get those sorts of insights for myself, but I do think it's important to do the work which requires really settling into your body and looking at your life from different perspectives to try to find what is going to give you the most fulfilling life with the most growth and the most challenges that generates the most pride and satisfaction. How can you meet all your needs?

 

Because it may not be something that you've ever considered before, or it may be something when you think about your life, you may be really happy in certain areas but other areas are lacking, and the areas that are lacking may not have any impact on the overall span of your life at all. It may just be a temporary glitch.

 

But one of the reasons people come to coaches is because they're not feeling good day-to-day. It's not about the big picture, it's not about life holistically, or being strategic, or addressing the biggest fears we have all the biggest areas and things we want to explore, or the deepest desires that we feel and maybe fear. Most of the time it's about the day-to-day. But from seeing a coach you start to consider life on a much longer trajectory and how the day-to-day impacts the years and the decades and life.

 

When you see a coach you'll start to talk about your values, and your needs. You'll begin to address on a far deeper level your identity, how you think about yourself, the person who you are now, and the person you see yourself as, and whether there's a difference. If there is a difference, what is it? Is that a gap you want to fill, or do you not know how you see yourself? Has it been done by design, or has it been done by default?

 

When I think about how I'm perceived by others I have very little idea. I remember working with a guy who I didn't feel liked me very much, and that was OK with me, but one day in a group he said “Rhi, it took a long time for me to figure you out. When we're all talking as a group you make some faces that made me think you weren't interested in what we were saying, or that you disagreed, or that you weren't comfortable. But what I now realise, is that mentally you're just three conversations ahead, and you are focused on what’s going on and being said.  I get it now”.

 

Now… I don't know if that's true. Because I think if you're in a group and mentally you’re three conversations ahead, then you're not focused on what they're saying, you're probably not very interested in what they're saying, and you're definitely not present and contributing to what the group is talking about. So I wasn't sure how to receive that feedback. But I had felt disconnected from new people and groups for a long time. It had been something that had happened ongoingly where I didn't feel like I was resonating with people in the way that I could before I moved to England. So maybe it was a cultural thing. But it was interesting feedback nonetheless, and I've never forgotten it.

 

But at the end of the day what matters is what you think, and how you feel. To an extent, it's important what your inner circle thinks, because they will typically spend a lot of time with you and I'd like to think have your best interests at heart, but at the very end of the day you get to decide how you want to be, how you want to feel, how you want to think, what you want to do.

 

I remember a girlfriend of mine said “I hate putting my kids in daycare but we all have to work”. And I thought to myself, “actually, you don't”. The reason I thought that, is because her husband was earning really good money, and also my perception of the way she lived, meant that in my mind if she altered the way she was living, then there may be money for her not to have to work and put her kids in day-care. I don't know that for a fact, they were just thoughts that I had.  And, I love to work, but if I didn't want to work, Centrelink is available. I tried the full-time mum thing, and it didn't work for me. I was definitely not my best self and having the balance of being a mum and working was something I really needed.

 

On the Centrelink note, I don't condone not contributing to society. I think we live in a great society and it's because we have people that contribute in the way of working and business ownership, paying taxes etc. and we are all part of a greater whole that must work together to establish the society and the environment in which we live. But there are choices we can make. Especially if we need temporary relief, to re-organise our thoughts, to replenish our energy, to redefine direction, we always have options.

 

I believe some of the most important work you can do is defining what life on your terms really looks like. A colleague of mine defined freedom once, as “the ability to choose”. That was it. And until he gave me that definition, I hadn't really defined what freedom meant for me. It's the same as success. What does success mean to you? It's a really important question because what you are willing to do to get it will be the almost prescription to having it. And freedom may not be important to you. Success might not be important to you. So what is?

 

There are several techniques you can try to answer this for yourself. One question is, if you were to die [insert timeline here], it may be a year, it may be tomorrow, it might be in five years, but if you were to die say tomorrow, what would matter to you? Or if you were to live for 1000 years, what would you want to spend your time doing?

 

If you won the lottery, what's the first thing that you do? What's the first thing you'd buy? And does that come from a place of relief, or fun, or indulgence, or ego?

 

These questions I don't believe, are questions you can answer in the space of 1 sitting. If you can hats’ off to you. But it's a question to plant in your mind, and then keep watering that seed. Keep asking yourself the question, keep exploring how that might look, and what that might mean, and if it changes, how does it change?

 

I was listening to a podcast recently where they were talking about modelling great relationships. About the elements of great relationships, that makes some great. Some points really stood out to me which I loved. One was that great relationships are built on the foundation of best friends. Because best friends talk, best friends hang out, best friends have fun. And where many relationships breakdown, is when they stop having fun. When did you last have fun? What is fun for you?

 

I know for me, living a life on my terms means I have fun. I want to be Daniel Riccardo of my life if we're looking at the F1 series. I want to be laughing, joking, but also achieving and serious when I need to be, and for purpose. It may not be the best example considering Daniel Riccardo doesn't have a seat next year, but you get my point. I want to have a smile on my face, and I want to enjoy my life, and I want to achieve and work hard.

 

These are things I've pondered for years. And you may have pondered them too. There's no right or wrong answer, but they’re our answers that are more accepted by your friends, family, society, community, workplace. But at the end of the day, the only answer that matters is yours. It's your life, and while we can go through life experiencing things side by side with our nearest and dearest, we actually only ever experience things in isolation. And we only ever do things out of self motivation, or self preservation. Sit with that for a minute. Because I know a lot of parents that would disagree with me. A lot of parents would say no I had kids too... To what? Build a legacy? That's about you. To raise a human being? that's about you. To bring life into the world? That's about you too. There is definitely a selfless element having children and other things, but I think if you search hard enough, and really ask yourself honestly, you will find that everything we do has an element of self motivation. Because it gives us a certain feeling, or it rewards us somehow.

 

So when you think about living life on your terms, if that is something you want to have, what does that mean for you? What's one small step you can take to start living into that? There may need to be some trial-and-error learning here, where you try things and fail, or you try things and realise that that is not the path you want to take. And then the question becomes is it worth doing that? Does it mean that much to you?

 

And that too, is something only you can answer.

 

See you next week!

 

 

 

Hey! Before you go, I always find reviews really helpful when looking for new information or insights…

 

I you’ve found this podcast valuable, please take a minute to write a quick review about what you’ve found most beneficial for you, so other people can benefit from your insights, and listen in too. I would LOVE that!

Also, if there are any topics you’d like me to cover specifically about life coaching or the life coaching industry, visit rhiannonbush.com to contact me. Thanks for joining and I’ll see you in the next episode of Do I Need A Life Coach?!

 

 

Please note, this transcription may not be exact.