POWER BALANCE IN RELATIONSHIPS

EP #61



“Do I need a life coach?” You’re listening to Episode 61, with Rhiannon Bush



Welcome to the Do I need a life coach? Podcast. We’re here to discuss the ins- and outs- of the life coaching industry and give you tools to use, to see for yourself. I’m your host, Rhiannon Bush. Mother, management consultant and a passionate, certified life coach.



Lately I’ve been pondering the idea of what happens if we could no longer ask one another questions… and you’ll need to bear with me for a second as I tangent. I spend a lot of time overthinking things. And that can be about my kids, that can be about work, that can be about a decision I’m trying to make, how I define things... I got in the car after work the other night and word vomited to Damien and he was like “stop! You’ve just told me 4 different things in the one sentence”. But I do tend to go into pros and cons, over analysis mode and I spiral with lots of things. And sometimes that’s completely valid. There are times when it’s a big decision, that will have a big impact, and therefore that level of consideration is not only warranted but required. In other instances, it should be a quick “no, this is what feels right for me”, make the decision and move on.



Decisions that don’t particularly require that level of consideration and that maybe I should make the decision more readily because then I could move onto the next step and move through things a lot faster than I do. When I go into over analysis mode, I tend to waste a lot of time, and a lot of my energy, instead of just finding out the answer, or making a decision and moving forward. A thought I had the other day, was that one of the things I believe binds us together, and fuels and nourishes our connection with one another, is our ability to talk, discuss things, pose different perspectives, “chew the fat” and ask questions for clarification.



I watched a TED talk by Jochen Wegner where they paired people, like Tinder, for people with opposing political view points. It’s an amazing concept where the facilitation of open discussions, in person no less, lead to increased understanding, collaboration and communication. It was brilliant. My thoughts have been born from using chat GPT a lot for work, just to sense check a lot of what I’m doing and to find counter arguments for things or to create possible objections. It’s a program that definitely enables me to be proactive about my approach, to make me consider opposing sides in more detail and it definitely saves me time instead of having me cycle back around things in a fictitious way that I can only comprehend so much…


Whether it’s as a management consultant or a life coach, I am either finding a solution to somebody’s problem, or an organisations problem, and proposing a potential solution, where I have the answers from experience, or I’m finding the right questions to ask to help that person or business explore their potential options to solve that problem. That, at the core, is what I do. And really, it’s my organisation or my personality that draws somebody in to say “yes, it’s you. I’d like you to help me” and then they can try what I do on like a jumper and say yes that will work for me or no it won’t.


And everything I do is very process driven, because I’m very process driven. I like structure and order and with that foundation, I can cope with blindsides and variables I wasn’t able to anticipate in the beginning. Often, while it’s process driven and structured, it is also creative. Because the processes may not be sequential, as in the case with life coaching. With life coaching the client needs what the client needs, and I don’t have a crystal ball to anticipate that so I need to know what I do well enough to be able to ebb and flow with the client and use the tools I have to help them with what they need, when they need it.



But in the absence of us having creative thoughts, and considering our opinions on things, and instead relying on technology, or software, or AI, I suppose what we will talk about is shared experiences.



I know in the past, I have often asked other people questions as a way of bonding or empowering them, and I don’t mean that strategically. I haven’t thought to myself, yes, this person needs empowerment so I’m going to ask them questions so they feel validated because I’ve got the answers. That wasn’t what it was about. It was about our power dynamic feeling a bit skewed and me trying to bring it back to a place where it felt normal and even hierarchical in the way that it had been that it had been before it had become “out of balance“.



One thing we talk about a lot in coaching land is that when you grow and change and develop, that the people around you notice a shift and that can often result in friendships or relationships you’ve had for a long time changing. In coach land, it’s often painted as a positive thing, because people typically attracted to personal development are seeking something – whether that’s more or just different to what they have now. It’s often perceived that your growth should be your priority, and that some relationships are for reasons, seasons, and others a lifetime. I think that’s the expression…



And I do agree that some relationships as you grow, will become less impactful, less important, and you will become less connected from people who are no longer serving you, or on your long-term trajectory. Your values, when you know them, will become clear and they almost guide you more consciously when you’re aware. This happens when you work with a coach. Before that, you’re floating through life guided by your values, but you just don’t consciously recognise what they are and therefore, you get into friendship groups and you spend time with people because that’s what you’ve always done and that’s who’s come into your life. Not because they’re your people and they propel you forward and support the vision you have for your life.



Now you’re actually starting to put in place what you want for your life and I do think that is immensely important because I’ve seen that with my clients. A client I’m working with has gone through massive change and she’s finding her relationships are getting better and better and better. She was reluctant to shed old ones, but she knew deep down that the relationships weren’t serving her and she’s moving on. There’s not a song and dance about it or some big farewell, she’s just slowly distancing herself and filling that space with what she wants to be spending her time on, things that make her feel great and with people who fulfil her vision of who she wants to be and how she wants to show up in the world. It was harder in the anticipation of her recognising those friendships were no longer serving her than the decision she’s now made to slowly fill her space with things that mean more to her. Her empowerment from that is an inspiring thing to watch and she’s blooming.



However, I’ve also coach clients who have had relationships that have completely disintegrated, because those relationships were no longer in alignment with who they were deciding they wanted to be, and how they wanted to live their life moving forward. And as they’ve stepped into the person they want to be and things are happening in their life that they’ve always wanted, the demise of those close relationships has been really hard because they were emotionally attached to those relationships and it wasn’t on their terms. Those relationships were not willing to support them which showed the true colours of the friendship and the basis it was standing on – which was on that person being exactly who they were being, not who they wanted to become, which is somewhat fake. We all like to believe our friendships are true and honest and will be supportive but the truth is, you don’t actually know that until you’re in it. Until you being changing and doing what you want to do, so many people can’t handle you changing because the power balance and needs you fulfil in them, you do as you now, not who you want to become. That’s why as a coach, I’ll often do clearing work. After that, my clients are free to move on and continue to grow and expand into the person they want to become.



But I also think there are some relationships that you may not want to let go off. And then that’s about learning what power balance you have in that relationship and being able to keep that power balance as it is while simultaneously trying to grow into the person you’re becoming. Which can be a challenge. And probably at times you’ll get it wrong, and that’s okay, then it’s about repairing it and putting strategies in place to maintain that relationship while you’re in a growth phase. Again, at some point you’ll realise how fake you’ll have to be to maintain it and you can choose to keep doing that or be brave and fully step into who you want to become – authentically, unapologetically and truthfully. And that will depend on what you get from that relationship and what you’re not ready to let go of. Nobody will force you to do anything you don’t a) want to do or b) aren’t ready to do. It’s just a tricky thing to navigate. I remember seeing a Tony Robbins documentary where he got somebody in the room to phone their husband and break it off, right there and then, on camera, in the room.



So in coming back to my original point, I would use questions to try and connect, empower, and bring that relationship back into equilibrium. If we think about every relationship having an equilibrium, where each person has power about equal amounts of the time (time because in any conversation or interaction, one person will typically hold more power than the other based on their experience, beliefs or conviction), so once that equilibrium sways to or from one person, that’s when it can feel disjointed and disconnected. And if that doesn’t swing back to provide equal opportunity, and the overall feeling isn’t good, or that’s not what you personally want in that relationship, it’s about putting those strategies in place to maintain that relationship but being able to listen to your inner voice and to feel empowered within it still.



But what got me thinking was if I couldn’t use questions, because there is Google, and Chat GPT, AI and other technology that’s just skyrocketing… then how would we actually connect? And I think my answer is that I would have to find a way to have shared experiences so we had common ground to discuss. Where we could talk about our ideals without swinging into a debate or causing any friction about how we’re choosing to live our lives and how we agree or disagree with that.



I hope this is making sense to you and I’m not sounding too cryptic, but I’m sure you have relationships or have had relationships in your life they have been highly influential on the decisions and choices that you’ve made, and not necessarily in a way that you were enjoying that. And then you had a point in your life where you’ve tried to break away from that, or maybe breaking away is something that you want to do, but you haven’t taken that step, and so you need to actually strategically consider what it looks like if you do.



How can you do that without burning the relationship entirely? I think this is very relevant when it comes to family. If you want to keep your family around and intact, there is a way to do it, but it’s about being strategic and working it out ahead of time so you can choose to be authentic and true to who you are, and who you’re growing into, who you want to be, and the values you want to uphold without feeling the need for them to have any sway, or input into that at all.



Know what you stand for. Know what you value and what you don’t and create non-negotiables. I’ve talked about non-negotiables before but when you have clear non-negotiables you have the ability to draw lines and walk away while understanding why. If this isn’t done ahead of time, it can be conflicting and confusing. It can draw you into over-analysis and waste your important and precious emotional energy.



Find ways to connect that you value. Ways that leave you feeling supported and nourished, not drained and antagonized.



I’ll see you next week.



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Also, if there are any topics you’d like me to cover specifically about life coaching or the life coaching industry, visit rhiannonbush.com to contact me. Thanks for joining and I’ll see you in the next episode of Do I Need A Life Coach?!


Please note, this transcription may not be exact.