YOUR YEAR SERIES - MOMENTS THAT MATTER

EP #72

 

“Do I need a life coach?” You’re listening to Episode 72, with Rhiannon Bush. Part 6 of the Your Year Series.

 

Welcome to the Do I need a life coach? Podcast. We’re here to discuss the ins- and outs- of the life coaching industry and give you tools to use, to see for yourself. I’m your host, Rhiannon Bush. Mother, management consultant and a passionate, certified life coach.

 

We’re going to do some clearing out now. We all have moments from our past that define us. They change us. We experience it and we’re never the same.

 

That’s ok. It’s normal and it’s a part of growing up. Sometimes it’s positive, more often it’s negative. But until we recognise those events and shift how we feel about them, make them mean something different to what they currently do, they will recur throughout our lives and keep impacting us in a way we don’t want them to.

 

Think about it. Do you remember the first time you did something that made you super nervous? But when you did it, the feelings you had afterwards? Every first water-ski I had for the season turned my stomach. The smell of the petrol from the motor, not remembering whether my muscles would pull me out of the water on a single ski or not… made me feel so nervous and so sick. But as soon as I’d done it, I felt pure elation. And then I did it all summer without nerves or hesitation. I remember singing on stage for the first time and being worried I’d forget the words. I remember the first time I coached a client. My first kiss. My first pay check. Significant moments that changed and shaped my life because they mattered. They taught me something about myself I didn’t already know. They gave me something intrinsic and something nobody could take away.

 

On the opposite side of the coin, there are negative emotions that shaped my life just as significantly. Things that happened that weren’t “fair” or “just” and that I couldn’t make sense of.

 

Remember that context is important here, so if you go into “oh but others have experienced far worse things than me”… while that maybe true, the context and emotions you have around events you’ve experienced are yours and yours alone. This isn’t an exercise in comparison, this is an exercise in identifying those moments, and start to unpack the meaning you give them.

 

A defining moment is a moment that when you remember still brings up significant emotions for you – you may cry, you may get angry, you may need to yell. Whatever it is, roll with it. Let it happen. Because that is healthy and a great way of knowing you’re processing it and diffusing the power (and therefore the impact) it has on you.

 

We experience events that happen in our lives differently, and that can be even if we’ve been raised by the same people, in the same home, in the same way. And it’s simply because we’re wired differently. We see the world differently. This is why context is important.

 

Have you ever been somewhere with someone, and something’s happened, and at a later time you’re retelling that story with the same person there, and they say “no, that’s not what happened”.  We’ve all had that experience.

 

I’ve been watching a show called Succession and there was this part where one brother, tries to get sympathy for a game they used to play together as kids. One brother says “you used to put me in the laundry of the Cheltenham house and leave me there”, the second brother rebuts the story and says “you liked it and asked us to put you in there”. Both were present, but both remember it differently.

 

I remember being at a Christmas with my family years ago.

 

Big moments in your life that are highly emotional can shape your whole life, repeatedly and this is to do with the way our brain stores memories and the emotional reside that keeps being dredged up with that memory. Dr Joe Dispenza talks about it in his book Breaking The Habit of Being Yourself”.

 

Processing defining moments are vital for our personal growth and for moving forward, so that’s what we’re going to do.

 

This exercise will be more successfully done if you can sit somewhere quietly, undistracted and most of all willing. Willing to trust that what comes up is perfect for you. Willing to trust that this exercise will be beneficial and move you forward. Willing to open yourself to the emotions that come with the memory and allow them to be there, even if it’s uncomfortable.

 

As we go through this, try to find your earliest memory. We’ll chronologically work our way through your life, up to today. Often when we can recall the very first time something happened, a bit like a chain reaction, the rest of them will diffuse after that. Because it’s the first even that was the catalyst for the rest of them.

 

There are several approaches to doing this and for me personally, I choose the method based on whether the event is centered around something happening, or someone happening – whether it’s about a thing or a person. You’ll know which one it is because you’ll either feel what you feel towards a thing – like not making a hockey team, or a person – the coach of said hockey team.

 

If it’s an event, sometimes simply journaling can work - taking time to reflect on the experience. Write down your thoughts, emotions, and observations. Journal will help bring clarity. Ask yourself questions about the moment: Exactly what happened, where you were, who was there? How did it make you feel? What did you learn? This process of introspection can provide deeper insights and aid in understanding the significance of the moment and how it’s impacted you from that time.

 

After you’ve found and done this for the earliest event you can find, fast forward in your life to the next event, and the next. Chances are you’ll notice the pattern and by asking yourself “What did I make that event mean about me?”, you’ll find the reasons it had the impact it had, and be able to shift it.

 

If it’s centered around a person I find it much faster and more effective to do a visualization exercise. It requires privacy, and dedicated time away from any and all distractions. What you do is go back in your mind to the event. Ask the same questions as the journaling exercise - what happened, where were you, who was there? How did it make you feel? What did you learn? Then kick it up a gear. Bring the person that’s consuming your energy around this, out in front of you. Visualize them standing there. Visualize them standing there as a statue – they don’t move, they don’t make any expressions or react. They’re just there. Then go to town. Say all you want and need to say. Get angry, ask questions, cry, scream, call them every name under the sun. Do whatever you need or want to do in that moment and the most important part – don’t stop until you feel a complete shift. Don’t stop until you’ve emptied out and are done.

 

If you commit to this, and do exactly that, I promise you’ll get to the end and you’ll see. You’ll see why that person’s been consuming your energy the way they have, why you think of them the way you do, and what you’ve made all of that mean. You’ll get serious clarity and catharsis and reprieve. This exercise is life changing. You’ll be able to move on, provided you really commit, feel your feelings and be willing to go there.

 

Once you’ve chosen your approach, start with a body scan. Rest comfortably and bring your awareness to any areas you may feel tension. Breathe and relax into those areas. Engaging with your breath and body will create space for reflection. This is when your unconscious mind will show you things you may never have expected and be willing to trust that those are the things coming up for a reason – that’s what you need to work on and that’s where you need to start. This will help calm your mind, allowing you to observe your thoughts and emotions without judgment, enabling better access to the memory which will provide a deeper understanding of the impact and lessons from the defining experience. Then do the exercise.

 

On the off chance that nothing comes from doing these exercises, contact me. Discussing these moments with a trusted friend, family member, mentor, or therapist can be beneficial. Sharing your experience with someone you trust can offer different perspectives and insights that you might not have considered. The facilitation of a professional, or even a friend, will guide you in the processing and understanding of the impact that moment and the way it’s still playing out for you in your life.

 

Each person may resonate differently with these techniques, so exploring what works best for you is essential in effectively processing defining moments.

 

Enjoy all this is. Life changing. And I’ll see you next time.

 

 

Hey! Before you go, I always find reviews really helpful when looking for new information or insights…

 

I you’ve found this podcast valuable, please take a minute to write a quick review about what you’ve found most beneficial for you, so other people can benefit from your insights, and listen in too. I would LOVE that!

Also, if there are any topics you’d like me to cover specifically about life coaching or the life coaching industry, visit rhiannonbush.com to contact me. Thanks for joining and I’ll see you in the next episode of Do I Need A Life Coach?!

 

 

Please note, this transcription may not be exact.