ENJOY EVERYTHING

EP #59

 

“Do I need a life coach?” You’re listening to Episode 59, with Rhiannon Bush

 

Welcome to the Do I need a life coach? Podcast. We’re here to discuss the ins- and outs- of the life coaching industry and give you tools to use, to see for yourself. I’m your host, Rhiannon Bush. Mother, management consultant and a passionate, certified life coach.

 

 

I think it's so important to, where possible, find enjoyment in everything you do. And I know that's a huge, fleeting statement, and what I mean is that in every situation we can choose to look at it negatively or positively. I’ve recently been reading a book that talks about realistic optimism. Where you look at something and find the silver lining, or choose to take a different perspective, but don’t overshoot it so much that it’s unrealistic or beyond the threshold of what seems possible. Sometimes we might feel great about doing something, and other times maybe not at all. But I also think if we are open to the fact that there is something we can do to enjoy a task, we are unbelievably better off when we have that perspective.

 

I was home with my kids one weekend and I really wanted to get some cleaning done before we left the house. And I don't mind cleaning. It's not one of those tasks that I loath, I really don't mind it, and it is part of me being house proud and having an enjoyable environment to inhabit.  It's one of those jobs that when I get to the end of it, I look around and feel pride and content because it's done, and it looks better and it feels like an achievement.

 

But this particular weekend the kids had been at home with me for the morning, it was a superb spring day in Tassie, everything looked brighter and more vibrant, and it was beautiful. All I really wanted to do was take them to a park and play and be present with them, and before I did that I wanted to get these house jobs done.

 

We'd been outside in the morning, I’d hung washing out, and we been playing, and had swings and trampoline time, then i'd disappeared and started to clean thinking that they were distracted doing what they were doing and I could get away with being absent while they were preoccupied. When I finished the cleaning and was ready to get them in the car to go, I had seen the mess that they had made. My mum said “beware of the quiet children!”. And in this instance, she was right. Because the mess they had made, was these tiny little beads that you can use to make bracelets or thread with, and I'd say hundreds of them, all over my kitchen floor which is hard, so they just rolled across that surface so quickly and into every little crevice, nook and cranny, and under everything, so packing them up was not easy. And I found it very hard to control my anger considering that I have felt I've been working all morning and was building up to doing something fun with them, which included being present with them, and outside with them, doing something I too would enjoy, that they had made more mess that I then had to clean up before we could leave the house and we could actually go and play.

 

Now, in the moment I was really asking myself whether it was necessary to get it cleaned up. Could I have just left the house and left the mess there? And the answer is yes, I could have, but I also wanted to put our robot vacuum cleaner on and I wanted it clean for when we came home. So I wanted it cleaned up and so that's what we did. I also didn’t want to set the precedent that they could make that kind of monumental mess and not have to clean it up.  That it’s ok to leave the house with that kind of mess.. really could it have been left? Yes. Did I want it left? No.

 

And getting them to focus on cleaning up, because of the amount that needed cleaning up meant for a pretty unpleasant conversation where I had to keep bringing them back to the task at hand. Because the beads kept rolling, it was more fun to toss them around or see how many they could bowl around and where they’d end up. I get it. Pretty funny. But on such a nice day, I wanted to get outside. I felt myself getting angrier and angrier and this inner dialogue going around and around  about the necessity of cleaning up this mess and whether it was really worth how upset I'd gotten about it.

 

But I ended up putting some music on, I made a game out of it which didn’t involve spreading the beads even further but tried to lift my mood and get the task done more effectively.  It made it a better experience and when it was cleaned up we were able to get out of the house and get to the park.

 

And this similar thing translates into so many different areas of life. Have you experienced this? A significantly dramatic reaction for something quite seemingly small? I find it doesn’t draw out the person I want to be for myself or for those around me.

 

It’s the same when I open my laptop. Sometimes, pre-empting work or things I need to do isn't pleasant. It's hard to get motivated when I consider the tasks ahead of me but what I find is that if I can think about it in a different way, through a different lens or find something that feels better, then I find it much easier to sit down and get started.  And when I do that, I achieve so much more in a shorter amount of time, I’m able to focus and I’m happier while I achieve it. Which has to be healthier and more creative.

 

Here's the 411. You get to shift your energy at any time and in any which way you choose. What I find is it's about being able to be consciously in the moment.  Present enough to understand that there needs to be an energetic shift from yourself and an awareness of what’s causing you to feel that way in the first place.  Whether your energy is justified or not, is that how you consciously choose to show up? Most of the time it won’t be if it’s negative, aggressive, angry, frustrated, or explosive.  And most of the time, especially when we are tense or angry or in a negative state, that's the only perspective we have access to in that moment and it can be incredibly difficult to pull ourselves out of that.  But that doesn’t mean we don’t get to try.

 

Because otherwise, why are we here?

 

I don't know if you have a friend who, when you're with a large group, behave one way, and then behind closed doors behave another. Where in a group it can sometimes be a performance and appear disingenuous, particularly if you know that person more intimately and away from other people. I've had friends like that before and it's when I'm with them one on one it feels like that's the real them and it's genuine, and when they're in the group, they’re influenced by others in that group and how they think they should be perceived and they tailor their behaviour to either change or match that perception. I've always thought that to be incredibly exhausting.

 

The truth is we can all make ourselves happy. Or at least happier. And it starts with self-acceptance. For all the good and all the ugly and all the different parts of us that make up our whole self. Even for those of us experiencing deep inner turmoil, and if you don't have that you won't know what I mean by that but if you do you will know exactly what that is. That deep, deep pain that you don't let anybody else but is there within you every single day. I would say that even for you there is a way to make yourself happier. And it may not be in an extreme way, where you get to feel happy most of the time, but even enabling yourself to feel a little bit happier even just for a moment in any given day is progress. So many of us hang out for these monumental shifts, which I mentioned in Episode 58 on The Big Shift.  They are possible and when working with a coach they are probable. And sometimes we're not ready.

 

Sometimes there is a reason we're hanging on to the pain and there is a reason we're hanging onto feeling how we feel and until that is explored in a safe and confidential space, often it can't be resolved which is why mental health professionals exist. To talk about problems that you can't just talk about openly anywhere else.  With somebody who is bound by their professional obligation to keep that a secret and to keep it between the two of you, it's sacred and special and 100% confidential.

 

There is always something we can do to feel happier, even if it's for a fleeting moment. And that’s better than nothing, right?  Because if we’re not feeling.. what are we here for?

 

Think about it. Everything we do, we do to drive a feeling, an emotion… to feel something.  Usually it’s to feel good, but not always. I’ve worked with some clients who’ve done things to feel bad because feeling too good for too long was too much to handle. They  self-sabotage because they’re waiting for the other shoe to drop because “life can’t be this good” or “I’m not this lucky”.

 

Other clients I’ve worked with have done things to make them feel worse or negative because of things they’ve done that they carry guilt about. Things they don’t feel they should’ve done, things they’re unable to forgive themselves for.

 

Some clients I’ve worked with are addicted because that dopamine hit in the brain is just never enough. They keep chasing it and chasing it and chasing it. I looked up dopamine receptors and found an article by Harvard Health. Dopamine receptors are located in our brain and affect our central nervous system, movement, emotions, and the reward system in the brain. They work on repetition which is why when we do something and get a dopamine hit as a reward (dopamine being one of our 4 happy hormones), we go back and repeat the action that gave us that dopamine hit. The Social Network, Facebook, Marketing.

 

The thing about dopamine is it sits in our instant gratification camp which is exactly that… instant. And while yes, dopamine is feel-good, it doesn’t allow us to sustain ongoing, long-term satisfaction or fulfilment.

 

Think about what you do… then think about why you do it. Or if you’re not currently doing the thing, consider why you want to do the thing? It’s because you think it’ll give you something (or because it already does). And by the way, that thing isn’t a thing. You get that right? The thing isn’t the thing that makes you feel good. It’s the story you tell yourself about that thing.

 

What do I mean? You want to build an empire and own a Ferrari and a penthouse apartment. Why? It’s not to have the things, it’s the feeling you’ll get from having the things. What’s the feeling?

 

You want to be slim and fit. Why? It’s not actually to eat 800 calories a day and exercise flat out is it? Of course not. It’s about the attention you’ll get, or how you think you’ll feel when you are that thing.

 

You want to play basketball like Michael Jordan? Why? To practice every single day for your entire life, not knowing if you’ll ever actually get there? No. It’s about how it feels to win along the way, or how it feels to overcome the challenges you face, or to play to the best of your ability.

 

You want to lead and align your team successfully at work, get them on the same page and nurture their development? Why? So you get a promotion? Yes ok great. But how will you feel when you get that promotion? Or at the thought of having that promotion? Prestige? Important? Proud?

 

So you see everything we do is to feel a feeling. Because otherwise why are we here? What are we doing with this short time we have on earth?

 

Two questions for you to consider. The first – if there are things, significant things, in your life right now that you must do but you dislike or find bring you down, what can you do to bring more joy? If you really have to do that thing, how can you make it even slightly more enjoyable for yourself? In a healthy, sustainable way?

 

And two. Even if you’re relatively content with how your life looks right now, what’s one thing you don’t currently do that you want to do? Why do you want to do it? How will it make you feel?

 

Remember, we’re always chasing a feeling. And being able to identify what that feeling is, is the key to understanding ourselves better and living a happier, healthier, more enjoyable life.

 

I’ll see you next week.

 

Hey! Before you go, I always find reviews really helpful when looking for new information or insights…

 

I you’ve found this podcast valuable, please take a minute to write a quick review about what you’ve found most beneficial for you, so other people can benefit from your insights, and listen in too. I would LOVE that!

Also, if there are any topics you’d like me to cover specifically about life coaching or the life coaching industry, visit rhiannonbush.com to contact me. Thanks for joining and I’ll see you in the next episode of Do I Need A Life Coach?!

 

 

Please note, this transcription may not be exact.