WANTING MORE

EP #44

 

“Do I need a life coach?” You’re listening to Episode 44, with Rhiannon Bush

 

Welcome to the Do I need a life coach? Podcast. We’re here to discuss the ins- and outs- of the life coaching industry and give you tools to use, to see for yourself. I’m your host, Rhiannon Bush. Mother, management consultant and a passionate, certified life coach.

 

 

I was really lucky to go on a walk with a colleague today and one of the things we were discussing is just trying to come from a place of being grateful for things that we have, instead of wanting more. I know I can definitely get caught up in the trap of looking sideways and wanting more, and I was explaining this to him, and just that I’ve been actively working to try and stay in my lane, focused on me and what I’m doing, instead of always looking sideways at others, comparing myself and thinking the grass is greener.  I’m actively working on coming from a place of happiness and gratitude for what I do have, instead of being someone that just wants to look like I have a lot.

 

I have enough self-awareness to know that I can become quite caught up in materialism and luxury. It’s interesting though, I don’t yearn for a better car, better house, more expensive things. I’m actually genuinely proud of everything Damien and I have and since actively working on an attitude of gratitude, I’m thrilled to be really settled and comfortable in my surroundings.

 

I remember hearing somebody describe luxury from the perspective of design instead of just the product itself, and it's something I really resonated with. I do like luxury items and things that have been considered – from conception through to delivery to the customer, and taken a lot of care with in the making of, packaging up and delivery to the customer. So side-note, I’m currently working with clients on the implementation of Quality Management Systems to gain ISO9001 Certification so I’m all about meeting customer expectations, consistency and quality assurance. For my birthday I requested, and was given a Cloud Nine curling wand. And it was packaged beautifully. Have you ever purchased something, or been given something, that is wrapped beautifully? Doesn’t it make you respect it even more? Think of it as even more special? Because if it’s packaged that way and being taken care of that way, then the contents must be super valuable and worth wrapping like that, right?! Beautiful candles are the same, they come in these beautiful glasses and then boxed with quality boxes.

 

Any hoo, despite my love of luxury, I’ll be honest, I live in Kmart clothing. I'm very happy to purchase and consume certain items that I'm sure if I knew where they had come from, I would not be happy to support, but these items are not items I'm willing to pay a lot of money for. Each to their own i say.

 

I think it’s okay to have more, and it’s okay to want more, but getting caught in the trap of wishing you had more, can very quickly cause a lot of negativity in life that isn’t necessary. I’ve just finished reading the book The Big Leap by Gay Hendrix, which was recommended to me by another coach named Beckie Haydon, and this book was absolutely brilliant. Facebook talks about how our society has really geared us to constantly want more, conditioned us into thinking we need more, thinking we want to do more, have more, be more… even when we actually, genuinely, don’t.

 

That is the science and art of advertising and selling. Convincing people that they must have, or should have or need to have this thing. The ability and data (thanks Facebook) to have social influence and to persuade us is astonishing and worth a tonne of money.  So when that power, added to society’s influence, a thing called in-group bias, when a few people reinforce that recommendation it compounds, leading us to a life, or at the very least a society, that is forever wanting more of what we don’t need, or even want. Huh?! 

 

I still struggle with this. Hand on heart, I still feel this way, I still aim for things, and while I’ve learnt to accept that wanting more is actually a good thing, what I have also learnt to accept a long way is that there is a fine line between wanting more, and wishing or pining for more. And the emotion behind the thought, which ever that maybe, is the thing to be aware of.

 

So there are some really empowering thoughts, which will drive your actions and increase your productivity, efficiency, stretch your comfort zone and other behaviours to generate more in your life, whether that be money, power, love, friends, freedom, or whatever that might be. But the second that that feeling becomes a feeder for “I’m not good enough“, “I’ll never have that“, “poor me”, “why don’t I already have that…”, “I’m not lovable/popular/cool/sexy enough”, then that is when the thought needs to be addressed, and essentially stopped, cleared and replaced with a new thought. Because it’s no longer a driver, or something that’s generating positive empowered action.  Instead, it’s coming from negativity and scarcity and fear. It’s a stick, not a carrot.

 

I know you can achieve things out of negativity. Sometimes fear and scarcity are really great drivers for action. But I would argue the point, that they are great for instant gratification and short-term gains. They are not sustainable, they feel terrible, and the terrible feeling only compounds because you're forcing a round peg into a square hole which you'll manage to achieve, only to realise that it can’t stay that way because guess what?! It doesn’t fit, and therefore it will undo itself at some point and the feeling we experience, when undoing happens, is even worse which puts you in a deeper hole than what you were in before you started.

 

Have you ever had an event coming up where you've nearly starved yourself or you've done a really intense diet to drop those kilos and look a million dollars for that event only to completely blow it out the other end and put on more weight than what you were pre-event?

 

Or you've had to sit an exam or assessment of some kind and you've crammed and crammed and crammed and even if you hit the deadline, you fall in a heap afterwards – exhausted, maybe you get sick, because you've worked so hard just to get through it, but then you still don't retain that knowledge to give it a practical, long-term application out the other side?

 

Or you've taken a risk in your business – whether that be on yourself or others, and put a bunch of money into something that you were sure was going to pay dividends, and instead you're in the same place as you were before but with less money or you realise you spent money on the wrong thing and were perhaps a little bit impulsive?

 

I know I get caught in this trap, who hasn’t?, and what I've learned along the way as I've mentioned, is it's not wanting more that's the problem, it's wanting more desperately, or badly, or pining for it. Instead of using strategic mental energy, from our prefrontal cortex, to make a strategy, and work towards what we want slowly and consistently to get there. And by doing so, doing it in a way that is steady, calm, considered, productive, and enables you to look after yourself along the way to make it long-term, sustainable, and embedded within you.  Instead of grinding, hustling, and burning yourself out.

 

It often takes me speaking to somebody else who has something that I take for granted, like heating, or beautiful children, or a bigger mortgage to pay, before I can remind myself, when I am in severe scarcity, that actually, what I have is incredible, and I’m very grateful for it. In recent years I've been working at feeling that gratitude and appreciation very consciously instead of needing an external reminder to go to that place. Because in truth, we never know what other people are going through. It actually doesn't matter what car they drive, or how big their house is… you never truly know what's going on with somebody else and nor should you, because really it's none of our business. It's actually about finding that inner peace within you, and building that level of contentedness within yourself and your own life and environment.

 

Lately, I’ve been really trying to bring that more internal, and internally feel gratitude and internally remind myself of how fortunate I am, and how incredible my life is. Because it is.

 

That doesn’t mean I don’t want to achieve new things. It doesn’t mean I don’t want to have more, I would absolutely love to go into a department store and have a stylist revamp my entire wardrobe. I would love to have an outfit for every day of the week for every single season already organise for me, so I never had a think about it. To feel good in what I wear every day, but on top of that, be comfortable and also look really good.  It’s something that I’m striving for ha ha ha.

 

This for me has come from a realisation that I want to live my life feeling fortunate and humble and with thanks. Because when I'm in that state, that way of being, I'm so much more open, I'm kind, I’m patient, I'm empathetic, I’m generous and also… I'm a better person. I'm a happier person. And the impact that has on those around me and my community, matters. I want to stick at things long enough to make an impact, and not be jumping from lily pad to lily pad onto the next shiny thing that comes along because it may be “better”. I did that for a long time and in truth, it was a great discovery time to learn what I don't want, what I do want, and how i can navigate certain situations.

 

So are you somebody who is chasing more? Pining, hustling, wishing you had something different than what you have? In truth, if you’re listening to me right now, I would expect your answer to be yes. If you and I could have a conversation right now, and we were talking in a two-way conversation, I would expect that your answer to that question is a hell yes. And i love that. Because that will give you great conviction and determination to go after the things you want and to let nothing stand in your way.

 

What I would like you to stop and ask yourself though, is are you getting closer to getting what you want? Are you still taking action towards what you want? If the answers to those questions are yes, great.

 

 

Then, also ask yourself, are you tired? Do you have a plan? And is the action you're taking right now, worth it?

 

If you're not getting the results and you're taking a lot of action, what's going wrong? Because what you're doing is a process. It's step one, Step two, step three. So where is your process breaking down? How can you address that? How can you get smarter about the way you're working, instead of working harder?

 

Consider what it is you're chasing. Consider the thing you really want. And I don't mean in a superficial way. Material things are great, and if you truly want it, that's great but stop, know your reasons and like your reason. And if this is something you truly, truly want, and you like your reason for wanting it, does the way you're approaching getting it right now feel good? Or does it feel strained?

 

If it feels good, what can you do to make it feel even better? How can you make it even more enjoyable for yourself along the path to achieving what you want?

 

If it feels strained, why? Is your inspiration fading? Is your passion fading? These are all signs of early burnout, and I know it's a term very commonly thrown around these days, but it's still important to pay attention to, because if you're going after something you truly want, it should feel sustainable. The highs and lows you experience on your way to achieving what you want to achieve, should be about external hurdles that you couldn't anticipate, not the emotional highs and lows that you go through along the way. They are absolutely bound to happen, but it's important to experience the highs as well as the lows, not just lots of lows.

 

Take some notes and pay attention to how you're feeling day-to-day. I look forward to seeing you next week.

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Also, if there are any topics you’d like me to cover specifically about life coaching or the life coaching industry, visit rhiannonbush.com to contact me. Thanks for joining and I’ll see you in the next episode of Do I Need A Life Coach?!

 

 

Please note, this transcription may not be exact.