WHO DO YOU WANT TO BE?

EP #21

 

“Do I need a life coach?” You’re listening to Episode 21, with Rhiannon Bush

 

Welcome to the Do I need a life coach? Podcast. We’re here to discuss the ins- and outs- of the life coaching industry and give you tools to use, to see for yourself. I’m your host, Rhiannon Bush. Mother, management consultant and a passionate, certified life coach.

 

In the last few episodes we’ve talked a lot about goal achievement – setting a goal, mapping the goal and celebrating the milestones along the way.

 

Something James Clear discusses in his book Atomic Habits is our identity, who we are and how our habits link to who we identify as on a deep level. Pair that with all the people and coaches and personal development gurus who have said things along the lines of “you have to say goodbye to the person you are to become the person you want to be” and in amongst that are some pretty scary concepts.

 

I was looking at my children the other day, and my friends children and an old boss of mine said it to me when I worked with him, I loved him, shoutout to Glen Murdoch but he said “kids are born with a program” and while I understood conceptually what he meant at the time, because I didn’t have kids it, to some extent, was lost on me. Now I have kids, I get it. They’re born who they are and as a parent, I work to communicate with them and educate them in a way that suits their personality type and energy levels.

 

What that’s taught me is that while as a coach we know change is hard, due to our brain liking familiar and doing whatever it can to expend as little energy as possible, our deeper programming also makes it difficult to adapt and change who we are. Add the third layer, of when we expand ourselves into new things to grow and achieve and succeed, we can feel imposter syndrome and like a complete fraud. So let me reassure you – you trying to live your best life, to contribute, succeed and become something beyond your wildest dreams is no easy fete. And first I want to acknowledge you for showing up, listening to this or whatever other podcast you’re listening to – because let’s be honest, if you’re listening to this podcast I’d say you listen to more than just mine, and it also means you’re constantly learning new things and seeking new knowledge to expand your current perspective and expectations. So go you!

 

I met a woman a few years ago, it was actually through Glen Murdoch and her name was Bridgette Reid. Bridgette was one of those incredibly special people I’ve met in my life because she was so different from me and had a very different perspective. The way she adapted knowledge and then taught me was interesting, creative and meaningful. So also, shoutout to Bridgette.

 

One of the things Bridgette taught me was about integrity. Or how I now define integrity. Words and actions. What people say they’re going to do, versus what they actually do and this lesson had a real impact on me because it made complete sense and started getting me looking at the gap in people’s words and behaviours.

 

I always want to be considered someone with integrity. Someone who does what they say they’re going to do. Someone who, if I sprout philosophies, I live by them as well. I’m not theory-based. A boss I once had was very theory based. It was all about “this framework” or “that model” and I couldn’t see where she’d implemented it and tailored it to what she needed to achieve anywhere in her work. It lacked integrity and the bottom was completely out of it. There was no substance or foundation.

 

So who do you want to be? What characteristics are important for you?

 

A client of mine was experiencing a lot of drama in his life. A lot of fights, a lot of beurocracy both at home and at work. He was exhausted and didn’t know how to segregate himself out of it enough to interject when he was asked to – he was the boss, and father in house so he was often brought into the fold and into the whirlwind of this drama, and he wanted to be able to put a stop to it, find a resolution and quickly move on.

 

When asked, he said he was being passive, withdrawn, vague. Then we did an exercise where we fast-forward to a time (B) where things weren’t as dramatic, where he wasn’t as tired or drained because of all the “nonsense” – his word, going on around him and he was able to focus on his business growth strategy and being the best husband and father, he could be. He also hadn’t been doing things he loved to do which was run marathons and exercise. He needed that for his mental and spiritual health, and it had been seriously lacking and everything in his life had started to feel heavy and weighted and stagnant and he'd taken a big step back because he didn’t know how to move forward.

 

On one hand he was looking for self-preservation. To save face, to let things sort themselves out and to not have to get involved as he didn’t like drama. On the other hand, he needed a resolution because it was having a pretty adverse impact on him, his energy and his ability to live his life and work the way he wanted to.

 

When I asked my client about the ideal scenario and how life looked if things were perfect, I asked how he looked – to visualise himself and describe it to me, in detail. Some of words he used to describe himself in this scenario were braver, decisive and assertive. From there, we put in steps for him to begin being those things. A few sessions down the track, that client looked entirely different. He looked like a new man. He wasn’t a dominant character naturally, but he was able to assert himself, determine fact from unnecessary drama and cut it off before it escalated into something that affected his energy negatively.

 

Words and actions.

 

When we’re not acting in a way that we’re speaking, and you can apply this to anybody you know, when there’s a misalignment between our words and actions, it’s usually with an underlying purpose. Whether that purpose is acceptable or not is up to us but we still get to decide. What I know about for sure about this misalignment is that it erodes trust. Even if it’s just one microparticle of trust at a time, it erodes it because you can’t guarantee or assume that they’re going to do the thing they said they were going to do, and therefore whether they’re honest.

 

Repeated misalignment makes for an unstable environment. I was consulting to an organisation where the boss had established the way I was paid. I accepted the job and I was young and it was one of my first consulting gigs. He would make promises and then move the goal posts. Games can be played but the rules are there to create equality and fairness right? So it becomes how well you can play within the rules and confines of the game. Not how well you change the rules of the game to benefit yourself and disrupt those around you.

 

It's similar in friendship groups when you’ve been talking to someone you think you can trust and they say “I won’t tell anyone” and then they do. Think back to high school or even a work environment. How do you feel about that person? Or, if you were that person, has your behaviour changed? Or do you care to change it? If you were that person, what was the purpose of you saying one thing and doing another? What did it help you achieve?

 

When it comes to goal setting, it’s often these intrinsic factors that we need to firstly identify, and secondly embody to achieve the thing we want to achieve. Because if we were “being” who we needed to “be” to have the thing we want to have, we’d already have it.

 

A few years back I did a visualisation of myself at the time I’d achieved a goal I’d set. This is why I did it with the client I was just talking about, because it was profound for me. Looking at myself at the time I’d achieved my goal, I realised there were so many qualities I needed to be living that I currently wasn’t. I needed to be committed, determined, resilient, focused and stubborn. I know stubborn isn’t usually said in a positive light, but I believe stubborn can be incredibly resourceful to help you achieve things you want to achieve.

 

This visualisation was incredibly powerful for me and helped me identify not only why I hadn’t achieved the things I wanted to achieve, but what I needed to change, today, at current-state, point A in order to go after my dreams.

 

When you think about your goal (did you listen and more importantly - actually do the work from Episode 20?), and you think about how you look at the time you’ve achieved your overarching aspirations, what’s changed? What’s different? What do you embody? How do you hold yourself? If you take just a minute to really think about this, you’ll get some great insights and answers as to what you need to move forward.

 

Then take it an extra step – if you were to ask your future self for advice, for words of wisdom, what would they tell you?

 

Over the last 5 years I’ve realised how much time I spend mentally, in ‘oh but I want to…’ or ‘oh but I want to have…’ and that’s because it feels good living there. It feels good to me, to dream, to plan, to conjure. The actual doing part doesn’t feel nearly as good. Those action steps needed to be taken, to actually achieve the dream, no sir-ey, no thank you. I’d rather just think about it. Until time passes and I think to myself “what am I doing?” Or I see somebody else achieving great success and I think “but I know I’m a better (insert word here – coach, consultant, speaker, trainer)”. Whether that’s true or not, they’re taking action. They’re actually DOING the thing. They’re doing the things they say they’re going to do while I was sitting, dreaming about it.

 

So I’m begging you to take action. Don’t just listen to these podcasts, don’t just absorb information. Do something with that information. Take action to achieve everything you want to achieve. One step at a time. Do what you say you’re going to do. However you need to. When you have the goal mapped out, it’s clean and clear to assess where progress stops. It’s easy to identify – well, I’m currently not able to move past this hurdle. And then you have to just keep changing your tact until you do overcome it and move onto the next one. Like in school. Fail a class. Repeat the class. Get a low score but pass, great but keep working on that skill base to move onto the next module. Progress, not perfection.

 

While the roadmap may be clean and clear, the driver for your action is your thoughts that create your feelings. So yes, great, you may have a road map. Beauty. But what’s important, is the intrinsic emotions to continue to take action. So as I was talking about, my client was stagnant, stuck, withdrawn. We mapped out a plan. But that wasn’t enough to immediately cause him to change. He needed some internal resources to call upon to actually take the action. He needed to find resilience, bravery, courage. He needed to find his voice. By finding the thoughts we need to have, to conjure up the emotional state we need then we can nearly guarantee we’ll take action.

 

Once we take action, we gain momentum and begin seeing results. But even if we don’t see results, we need to have more intrinsic resources to be able to deal with that, and continue anyway. Is all this making sense?

 

If you haven’t written and mapped your goal, please go and listen to Episode 20. If you’re hesitant, what thoughts or intrinsic resources do you need in order to do that? What’s stopping you and why? What’s really going on for you?

 

Once you’ve written your goal out, project mentally into a time when you’ve achieved your goal. Describe yourself. Describe your emotions and thoughts, describe how you look. Then ask yourself how that’s different to today. What needs to change? What does your future self-tell you? How will you overcome obstacles? As I asked in Episode 20, why is this goal important? What will it give you?

 

Begin to explore the connection between what you need emotionally, to achieve things you haven’t yet achieved. From there, begin finding ways to be those new things. And see what new outcomes you get.

 

Have a fantastic week my friends. By for now.

 

 

 

 

 

Hey! Before you go, I always find reviews really helpful when looking for new information or insights…

 

I you’ve found this podcast valuable, please take a minute to write a quick review about what you’ve found most beneficial for you, so other people can benefit from your insights, and listen in too. I would LOVE that!

Also, if there are any topics you’d like me to cover specifically about life coaching or the life coaching industry, visit rhiannonbush.com to contact me. Thanks for joining and I’ll see you in the next episode of Do I Need A Life Coach?!

 

 

Please note, this transcription may not be exact.