GOALS & PATIENCE

EP #19

 

“Do I need a life coach?” You’re listening to Episode 19, with Rhiannon Bush

 

Welcome to the Do I need a life coach? Podcast. We’re here to discuss the ins- and outs- of the life coaching industry and give you tools to use, to see for yourself. I’m your host, Rhiannon Bush. Mother, management consultant and a passionate, certified life coach.

 

I was scrolling Instagram recently, and a blast from the past appeared with a girl who I never would’ve seen him with at the time I knew him. We haven’t’ spoken in years but let me tell you a little bit about 22 – 25 year old Rhiannon.

 

Looking back, I just thought of myself as intense. Now, fast-forwarding to who I am now, with the knowledge I have of myself, I realise that I wasn’t intense, but rather when something entered my sphere – as in the world I operated in, the sphere I lived my life in, when something entered that sphere that I wanted, I knew I wanted it. Always. There was no doubts or questions in my mind, it appeared, and I was fixated.

 

This appeared with money, clothing, friendship groups, and men. When it came to men I wanted to be with – and that was the exact self-talk, people I wanted to ‘be with’, not date, sleep with (well.. sometimes that was) but when talking about my utter fixations… when I meant certain men throughout my life that I was drawn to I typically became fixated and tunnel visioned. Honestly, until Damien, I didn’t date, and wasn’t with any of them. I would move environments or friendship group or push the relationship to a point where they declined my offer, and I needed that to stop driving myself crazy and making things mean things that just weren’t the case.

 

Example. There were multiple men I asked out. I was just like “hey, want to go on a date with me” and every time those ‘fixations’ said no. Was I too intense?

 

Honestly, at the time I can hand on heart say I believed it was a “looks” thing. I wasn’t thin enough, pretty enough, cool enough, I was too loose when I partied… whatever it may be.

 

After seeing this Instagram thing, I think the piece of the puzzle that’s landed for me is that it wasn’t that I was too intense, or fat, or whatever I made it mean. It was that I was certain. I knew what I wanted. I was sure and I went after it.

 

I also know energetically I take up a lot of space and I’ve had the feedback that I always appear confident. That surprised me, which is why I remember it, because most of the time I don’t feel that way. Even when I feel incompetent, amateurish… I have this front that people feel like I know what I’m doing and that I’m confident – it still baffles me a little, but I’ll take it.

 

Because I was sure, and went after what I wanted, for those who weren’t sure or who felt the grass may be greener missed out. And I’m seeing that happen more and more now. It’s interesting what dating looked like in my 20s compared with what I have with my beautiful partner. In my 20s I remember this amazing guy, his name was Brock, and he was beautiful. Like inside, outside, he’s probably the only guy I’ve ever met who I could call sexy and cute at the same time, and I felt he was too good for me. So I played shy and coy. In this instance, I didn’t go after what I wanted and I wish I had. Not because we’d have ended up together, no way, but because at least I would’ve known. I wish I’d been braver. As a result of that, as I met more people, I’d decided from that experience that I’d rather be rejected and get closure, than always wonder. But in my 20s it was very superficial, life of the party, banter vibes and just having a really good time. While I was up for that time, I think I always portrayed that there was more I wanted from it than it just being a casual or ‘good time not a long time’ type arrangement.

 

What I have with Damien is beyond anything I could’ve ever imagined. Because I never could imagine it. I’d never had it. There is such a beauty in building a life with someone. Knowing someone from the perspective of substance, and growing with that person. Having them know you, all the parts of you, and staying. So dating from 20s to 30s I felt, dramatically changed, but I think what I always wanted, no matter what my age was, was substance. And I’m not sure a lot of people I for lack of a better term “got fixated / infatuated” with in my younger years were ready for that level of intensity or commitment.

 

How this relates to coaching? Well it doesn’t. But coaching is about getting what you want faster. A to B. and getting what you want sometimes requires patience.

 

This is a lesson I’m still not sure I agree and many amazing people I listen to regularly – Gary V, talk about hustle and grind and working for it. The problem with doing that is if you hustle and grind you can’t sustain for the long term… typically. Unless the thing you’re hustling and griding for is so intrinsically motivating, and such a deep desire, and you can sit with the fact that it’s a truly long-term goal that will take an ongoing, long-term, consistent and frequently re-calibrated approach, you’ll burnout and give up.

 

Patience lets you bide your time. Patience lets you reassess. Patience allows you to get the lessons to re-target what you want and the path to get there, more accurately.

 

I remember one of the meditations we did at UPW with Tony Robbins and for the first time ever, what I wanted came to me. And when I projected it, it was a 20 year projection. This came from a girl who had constantly set 12 month goals (maximum) and never once achieved them.

 

When we look back to high school and university, we have 2-3 or more year-goals. And that’s to get qualified. In that goal-term, we have steps (called terms or trimesters or semesters depending on the course structure) to build our capability and test our competence before progressing to the next step.

 

I didn’t realise until very recently how because the school structure is such a part of our approach for so many early years of our lives, that possibly structuring our adult life of our own accord, based on a school system, may help us achieve what we want and goals we set ourselves.

 

So here are my tips, which I’ve very recently implemented into my life.

 

1. Mark out all school holidays – this enables you to have 3 to 4 bursts of work each year. Instead of “griding” or “working” or whatever you want to call it for 50 weeks of the year, you’ll do 8-10 week bursts, then you’ll have a break. This gives you breathing space, space to recalibrate, space to come up for air, to reassess and redefine your approach. It also gives you some reprieve and some variety to do somethings differently. I’m not talking your normal job by the way. Your normal job (including mine) says you get 4 weeks off a year. Which means you’re working 48 of them. That’s a lot. And one week is not enough to slow down, recover, recuperate and perform at 100% for another prolonged period of time. Not for me anyway. I mean this for my side hustle, for my other jobs, for my other activities I hope to grow and expand over the next 5 years. For the first time ever, a few months back I decided to set 5 year goals. And much bigger targets, ones I’ll have to work consistently and remain focused on. More commitment. I flip and change and move around a lot in my passions and focuses and ideas. I know I lack stickability. So my commitments are 5 years, perhaps broken down into smaller chunks, but to stick at any one thing long enough to actually see results.

 

So, break your year up by school holidays. Just google them for the year. This is even if you don’t have kids by the way – chances are you went to school that had the structure of 3 or 4 terms a year. So you’re quite programmed to work well that same way. Google the holidays for your state / territory and mark them out in your calendar. To be clear, this may or may not be for you to take leave from your main job. That’s not the purpose. The purpose is to give you a mental break. Particularly if you have a family, side-hustle, business, etc.

 

1. Change your routine, your habits, your evening and morning rituals, your food, if you can, your environment, during the ‘holidays’. It’s easier if you have kids. But The reason I’m saying this, is because I like variety and change and I find it inspiring and also invigorating. And I don’t get enough of it now I’m a mum because logistically it’s difficult. But during these holidays, I want to cease all work outside of my main paid employment. I want to allow binge television whenever I like, or binge books, I want to do different workouts, I want to go away over the weekends, I want a break and that means change and variation to the ‘norm’. I realised I was watching way too much TV, and crap TV. TV that doesn’t’ add anything to my life or the value I add to my role, my family  or the world. But it was so nice to get to the end of the day and just stop with some mindless crap that when I watched, I felt way better about myself and my life and my life didn’t feel so hard. It was Love Island or something like that. But in the holidays, I’m going to permit myself to watch whatever I like (including that crap). Through the school term, I want to stay focused, I want to read things that will help my work and help my side-hustle and keep moving forward, but then I want a break. Shorter bursts.

 

1. Set targets for each term and each year. But first, set the overarching target. Set the big one. The 2, 3, 5, 10 year goal. I find 10 year, because of the way I flip and change my mind. But 5. Fine. Can do. And then bring in (?)’s Perfect Average Day (show notes). Bring in how life looks at that time. Use all your senses. Use SMART-ER goals and make them light up all your senses. Our brains can’t decipher between what is real and what is made-up. So make it up, paint the picture. The more vivid the picture is in our brains, the more realistic it is to us. So go there. It’s why if you watched a scary movie or cartoon when you were young, even though it wasn’t real, it seemed real. Because it was so vivid. That and the fact that we don’t have a critical faculty before we’re 11 or so, but that’s a story for another day. Make it vivid and see yourself in the picture. When we see ourselves in the picture, it tells our brain that it hasn’t happened yet. It’s a secret goal-setting technique. See it through your eyes and then also see yourself through somebody else’s. Really powerful.

 

1. From what perspective? Use your targets as buoys. You may miss one or two or three. That’s ok. Bide your time. Stay focused and recalibrate. I remember as a child watching the Olympic games and seeing the 100m sprinters who jumped the start-gun get disqualified. I think that’s such a cruel rule – one strike and you’re out. What I didn’t realise, was that while the Olympics are special, these runners do this professionally, all the time, all over the world. Yes they may have jobs and families and their running may be extra-curricular, but they go to multiple events, all over the world, every year. The Olympics isn’t the one and only like I’d made it out to be in my mind – similar to the guys I got infatuated with above – seeing the connection lol? But what I’m saying is, there are multiple opportunities and chances to succeed at your goal. If you miss one target, what will that set you back? In timing I mean? Maybe, if you’re using this new system I’m about to try, 3-4 months. 3-4 months when you’re going through it is significant. It feels long, it feels like a big deal. Zoom out and view your entire life, 3-4 months is nothing to achieve your goals. Even 5 years isn’t a big deal when you look at it like that. So it’s a matter of perspective. I was going through a difficult job a few years back. I was working as a consultant and I’d lost sight of why I was there, why I’d started doing that role for that client and I’d gotten lost in the fabric that made up that organisation. Which was something I didn’t really want to do considering how much I’d lost my way. I remember going back home to Tassie (I was living away at the time) and just having that space enabled me to realise that I’d gone way down the rabbit hole, in a direction I didn’t want to continue going down. And that this role, over the course of my entire career, was so miniscule and so insignificant that it was worth doing for the lessons it gave me and guiding me on how I didn’t want to move forward. People often say “how do women go back a second, third, x time to have more babies”. I was super sick during my pregnancies and then the rest of it, I’d put it down to a really tough 18 months. At the end of the day again, 18 months when you’re that sick, that tired, that sore, that everything is super disruptive and life changing and whirl-winding. But focus on the reason you’re going through it, the outcome you’re doing it for and question if it’s worth it – and it absolutely was, both times for me, and then zoom out on your entire life, 18 months is a blip on the radar. At 92 years old, 18 months is insignificant. No matter how life-changing it felt (and was in my ways) at the time.

 

Time is perspective. You sit scrolling Facebook or at the desk in your office, looking at the clock time will fly by. Do a plank in the gym, 30 seconds seems like an hour. Time depends on perspective and when you fill your time with meaningful tasks, you feel you’ve spent your time wisely but only you can decide what that means.

 

1. Be patient. Sometimes it takes time to get what you want. And I believe over many things, that those who do work and add value to the world, and ask for what they want and need in return, will get rewarded. What we give and expect, comes back to us. It may not be obvious, it may not be in the same way, but what we put out into the world is received and when we value ourselves enough and to what degree, we receive a response. If you’re not receiving a response, you need to ask about the value you’re creating, what you’re asking for in return and the exchange from you to others and back again. The balance matters and also, it may not be with you right now but it will be. Remember to have a little patience and don’t expect everything yesterday.

 

Have a great week my friends. I’ll see you next week.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Hey! Before you go, I always find reviews really helpful when looking for new information or insights…

 

I you’ve found this podcast valuable, please take a minute to write a quick review about what you’ve found most beneficial for you, so other people can benefit from your insights, and listen in too. I would LOVE that!

Also, if there are any topics you’d like me to cover specifically about life coaching or the life coaching industry, visit rhiannonbush.com to contact me. Thanks for joining and I’ll see you in the next episode of Do I Need A Life Coach?!

 

 

Please note, this transcription may not be exact.